Embracing THE Cynical Fat Girl (part1)

I ran into a friend at Wal-Mart last week who mentioned reading my Blog. I am always glad when people mention that they read my Blog. If they think enough to mention it, then it must in some way amuse them, right? Anyhow, my friend said he'd read some of my stuff and just had to say, "Boy, are you bitter." I stopped dead in my tracks! BITTER!!!!! Thanks, Rob. In all actuality, I may seem bitter. I prefer to think that I take a logical and realistic view on my position as THE Cynical Fat Girl. In the end, you'll have to judge for yourself, but, I hope this post gives you some insight into what it actually means to be THE Cynical Fat Girl. Research shows that things said to a child will shape self esteem and development. For example, saying to a little girl, "You're too pretty to cry" can actually be damaging in that the little girl will take on an unhealthy view of the demonstration of emotion. After all, pretty girls don't cry and if I cry, I must not be a pretty girl. Similarly, THE Cynical Fat Girl has received and taken to heart damaging statements. It's not that the statements were made with the intent to be hurtful or derogatory, but THE Cynical Fat Girl latches on to them and allows herself to be defined by them. Statements like "You're such a pretty girl, you'd look so much better if you could lose five pounds." or "You really do have such a pretty face." or "Your hair is your one beauty." THE Cynical Fat Girl tends to be a cautious observer. In junior high and high school, she takes note of the fact that she is taller and/or heavier than not only all of the girls in her class but also most of the boys. She will watch and see that the boys notice and ask out the skinny girls but never seem to show an interest in her. When she does develop that crush on a boy and her friends talk her into taking action, she is usually met with the "Are you kidding me? You're three times my size." Stare. She'll go on to be interested in boys who even her closest friends describe as "Out of your league," allowing those boys to copy her geometry homework in hopes that maybe, just this once, he'll be attracted to her brain. The syndrome of THE Cynical Fat Girl starts at home and continues into school. It is effective as early as elementary school. But, as the girl grows up she will continue to be bombarded with images of thin beautiful people and comes to believe that those images are all that can be considered beautiful. Anyone in the media who is not petite and good looking is usually set up to be the butt of some joke. How many times was Oprah made fun of for her yo-yo dieting during the 80s and 90s. I won't go too much further down this road. After all, you can read my first Cynical Fat Girl post if you scroll down. As a result, THE Cynical Fat Girl obsesses about her weight. Those who don't turn to the comfort of an eating disorder spend most of their lives on a diet or involved in a long term relationship with Ben & Jerry. She spends her time reading sappy love stories and watching romantic comedies. She's cynical but she still seems to have a hope that real love exists and that one day her knight in shining armor will show up, glistening on horseback to save her day. Unfortunately, eventually she notices that even in movies like "The Holiday," where the awkward, "homely" girl doesn't get the guy she wants, the girl is still flipping Kate Winslet! That just about does the explanation of how THE Cynical Fat Girl comes into existence and who she is. But, What does it mean to BE THE Cynical Fat Girl? Being THE Cynical Fat Girl means that you have endured years of watching skinny people obsess over their weight, knowing that you'd probably kill to have their body. Not only that, but you rejoiced when the new season of America's Next Top Model came out and 2 plus sized models made the show... Then you realized that on ANTM plus-sized means a size 10 and that neither girl will win the show because she won't be able to cut it on the runway. Being THE Cynical Fat Girl means that quality men will NEVER find you attractive. They will describe you as funny, intelligent, very well spoken and REALLY nice. But, those descriptors mean squat unless you're a size 2 blonde with double-d breasts. Every now and then one will pay you a little more attention, he may even decide that you can be considered a good friend. Just about the time he has you wondering if there could be more to the friendship (you've obviously forgotten the rules) he'll up and marry the girl of his dreams. And you, THE Cynical Fat Girl, will be left heart broken - to be called bitter by future male acquaintances. The savvy reader will have noticed that my above statement is qualified with the words "Quality Men". THE Cynical Fat Girl is not, as once thought, completely ostracized by the opposite sex. Although it was once thought that she was destined to lead a solitary life of singleness, finding comfort only in her 93 cats, a new list of possible admirers has recently been discovered. That list however fails to provide much room to boast. As a quick disclaimer, one must recognize that the men on this list don't flock solely to THE Cynical Fat Girl. They are, in fact, indiscriminate and will hit on any woman with a pulse. However, with the non-Cynical-Fat-Girls monopolizing the quality men, these are the only men left to approach THE Cynical Fat Girl. The Greasy Sleazeball- this inexplicably bold species will usually approach in a crowded location - a bar, perhaps, where THE Cynical Fat Girl is hanging out with her thinner, cuter friends. He approaches with the attitude that she is lucky he's spotted her wide ass all alone at the bar (the thinner, cuter friends are dancing.... THE Cynical Fat Girl does not draw unnecessary attention to herself by dancing) and has come to save her from her certain humiliation. He refuses to take no for an answer and THE Cynical Fat Girl is forced to excuse herself to the restroom for half an hour to escape the "I know what you'd look like naked, and I really don't mind" stare. The Drunken Fool - A rare breed, this male does not rear his head often, but in the world of THE Cynical Fat Girl is most definitely noteworthy. This guy is the all night party animal who hasn't allowed his social life to extend much past high school though he hasn't been in high school for quite some time. Life to the drunken fool is one constant kegger at the frat house. Typically, he can be found hitting on THE Cynical Fat Girl at the all night restaurant where she works. He stumbles in just after 2am last call to sober up with the boys before heading home to the lonely twin bed in his parents' basement. Somewhere between completely plastered and a false sense of coffee-induced sobriety he decides he is a selfless and charitable human being. Really, he needs to get laid and THE Cynical Fat Girl is as good an option as any. Operating under the theory that enough alcohol can make anyone attractive, the drunken fool tries to obtain her attention and affection with a quick grope of whatever body part is most handy. THE Cynical Fat Girl, however, is rarely impressed by groping (this concept went out in the 7th grade). She will normally ignore the drunken fool, though sometimes a good slap in the face is in order. Mr. "I NEED A GREEN CARD" - this American Patriot will come up with fantastically original pick-up lines like: "This is the first time I've spoken with a white person" (I actually heard this one from a drunk South African man who tried to follow me home) or "You know, you are very beautiful." (this one came from the man working behind the McDonald's counter at the Cincinnati airport). But most often he prefers to approach from a distance via the Internet, "I am looking to have a loving marriage relationship with you" (myspace.com.... twice). On the positive side, he usually takes "NO" for an answer, although on occasion THE Cynical Fat Girl must claim a fake boyfriend or threaten police action (INS anyone?). The Married Man - this one's a little stickier. It's not so much the the married man hits on THE Cynical Fat Girl, and THE Cynical Fat Girl is NOT a home wrecker. Typically, she has no desire to date a man with that much baggage. In some instances, when the married man is dissatisfied at home, he will approach THE Cynical Fat Girl, more as a friend than anything else, because she is an excellent listener. He will put on his saddest puppy dog face and regale her with tales of an unhappy marriage hoping that she will take pity on him and help him spice up his drab life. He approaches her because she is not as risky as others. After all, she is THE Cynical Fat Girl and THE Cynical Fat Girl is not allowed to hope for any kind of relationship or commitment. On occasion, she will listen to the whining of the married man, but in the end she will offer advice and send him home to his wife. The Not-So-Married Married Man - I haven't had much experience with this one. He's only recently been added to the list. He is, however, the most dangerous man THE Cynical Fat Girl can encounter. This is the guy who is married, but not sure he wants to stay that way. When directly asked if he is single, he is evasive stating that he is not exactly single. He will flirt with THE Cynical Fat Girl, but never truly avail himself to her. When others attempt to intervene, he will conveniently side-step their questions. The danger here is that THE Cynical Fat Girl may actually become confused by his actions and begin to think that he may be interested in her (of course, she does not realize that he is not really available). She will waste time considering a relationship and all that goes with it, only to learn after she's invested some part of herself that he is married. Whether this is a bold faced lie, or a casual omitting of facts, THE Cynical Fat Girl will be left hurt by the experience. She will question relationships and love in general, only to come up empty-handed and slightly more cynical than she was before. In the end, being approached by any one of these men has the same result. THE Cynical Fat Girl becomes convinced that a.) Quality Men do not date THE Cynical Fat Girl and b.) Those who appear willing are not worth the time. I definitely have more to say on this subject, unfortunately this post has gotten quite long. I was on page 4 of a WORD document when I hit copy and paste. SO, Loyal Readers, stay tuned for future installments. I think I'll start working on "The Rules of THE Cynical Fat Girl"................ hmmmmmmm there's a thought.