Therapy via the Internet

I am dying to see a musical on Broadway called "Avenue Q". Having listened to the soundrack, I have to say it sounds like a highly inappropriate adult Sesame Street kind of show.... Any how, there's a song on the soundtrack that is called "The Internet is for Porn!" Which details the idea that men only use the internet to look at porn.... So despite the fact that I am not male, I am attempting to use the internet for something far more acceptable! Therapy! I know some of you have been disappointed that I haven't been writing lately. I really don't have anything witty to say. I feel as though that part of me has been significantly disabled by grief. I am, of course, able to come out with the occasional witty comment... And sarcasm is still my spiritual gift, but to actually sit down and write something that doesn't center on this all consuming pain I am still feeling seems an impossible task. In the last six months, I have come to realize that it is possible to miss someone more with each passing day. But, that it is nearly impossible to put a cap on that longing to see, hear, hug a person when you know that they are not going to breeze through your door again. I have learned that it is impossible not to try to find somewhere to lay the blame. Oddly enough, as the oldest of 8 children, I am still trying to find a way that it's all my fault.... Because at least then, there would be some concrete place to hang up my pain. I've learned that it's possible to despise someone for destroying a person you loved, but to move on from that pain enough to want them not to have to live with their own pain for the rest of their life. Then to learn that in managing their pain, they've slandered the memory of one of the kindest souls you've ever known. And beyond all this, there is that bit of resentment, that perhaps the wrong life was lost. That someone else, someone who has made perpetual bad decisions, who has caused unmeasurable pain to their family continues to do so, while the one who deserved better is no longer here. I never would have guessed that grief could tear the life out of a person and change them the way it does. I wish I had never had to learn. Beyond that, I wish that I could go through this process without further intentional complications. But wishing rarely leads to what you want... I'll try to write more about this tomorrow or the next day... For now, tonight, I feel exceptionally drained. I think it's time to try to sleep....