Blah....

This is the third post I've tried to compose in the last few days. I just haven't been happy with what I've had to say. Life around here has been fairly quiet... Almost too quiet. I have been repeatedly reminded lately of how much has changed in my life during the past 3 months. There has not been a single aspect of my life that has not been affected by Jeremy's passing. I can't even attend a doctor's appointment anymore without it being a central part. I can truthfully say that I never once imagined that the loss of someone I loved would change life so much. I always knew the "facts" about grief. But never understood before how deeply death touches. As the holidays approach, I am dreading what used to be my favorite time of year. I'd like to skip the next 6 weeks and head straight into January. Instead, I am here, feeling rather Scrooge-like, waiting to adjust to a new "normal". Right now, EVERYTHING feels wrong. It feels insane to be getting up each morning to go to school and battle through another day with my students, who just don't get it. It feels traitorous to enjoy the company of others. I feel weak when I cry myself to sleep. I feel like talking to my family about how I am feeling makes the process harder for them. I hate that there are still people who look at me with this lost look in their eyes, unsure of how to talk to the girl who's brother died! I hate that I have this burning to know what exactly happened the night Jeremy died. But, most of all, I hate having to acknowledge that my precious brother is not going to come back and that I am going to have to face the next six weeks, and then the rest of my life without him in it. I guess the bottom line is that I am scared. One one hand, I'm afraid that I will never feel as things are normal again. On the other hand, I'm scared that one of these days normal will kick in. At this point, there's just no easy way out. Thanksgiving is three days away!! It's hard to face. I know there's still so much in my life to be thankful for, it's just harder this year.