Emotional Bull......

I feel like the past week has been one horrendous emotional rollercoaster ride! I've been up and down more than a person with bi-polar disorder. I hate it! This whole girl-y/sensetive/cry when I hear a sad song thing sucks!!! Fortunately, I have Elisabeth to remind me that despite the end of the school year and the appraoch of the summer season, I haven't really taken any time off yet! Our last day of school was a week ago Tuesday. I spent some time that afternoon by the pool at my parents' house with my sister. Wednesday was rainy and dreary and I spent the day running my brother to school for graduation practice and back to work. Thursday was my only true day off. I spent it shopping with Elisabeth and her co-worker (my new friend) Katie. Friday I was off and running to make copies to finish up a portfolio I had to do for my workshop this week. Saturday, I put the portfolio together with Elisabeth's assistance. Sunday my brother graduated from High School. And this week I am driving back and forth to New Britain for a workshop, while my college buddies are getting together in California to see Darci, her new baby and take a tour of Alcatraz! In the mean time, I feel as though I'm in my own emotional Alcatraz..... So, that's all the time I have to whine tonight... I have to go do my workshop homework and work on my presentation that's due Thursday.

Needs vs. Wants

Remember hearing that one as a kid? "You don't need that, you just want it..." The statement was usually followed by a "No" and sometimes the detailed reason why you were not getting what you wanted. I remember thinking that, one day, I'd be a grown up and I'd be able to get myself whatever I wanted as well as what I needed. Oddly enough... That sentiment has turned out to be both true and false for me! Lately, I've had a lot of needs and wants that have blurred a little and haven't been as clearly defined as needing groceries, wanting lobster and Lucky Charms! For example: I both need and want a Full time teaching position. I'm doing OK with the Part time position that I have, but things would be so much better on all levels (including job security and certifications - this isn't just financial) if I could land those extra three hours a week. Sadly, there's not much I can do about this one at the moment, except sit tight and keep doing what I'm doing. I want and need some time off. The end of the school year is always tedious and tough. I'd like to crawl off into a cave somewhere (more like a spa/resort along the coast) and hide for several weeks. Sadly, thanks to want/need #1, I can't afford to do this. I am however planning the next best thing. Next Thursday, Elisabeth and I will be taking off to the Simple Indulgence Day Spa in Sturbridge, MA. We'll be indulging in the Rejuvenation package. I'm very much looking forward to my massage, manicure and pedicure! I both need and want a man in my life! This one becomes a little tricky.... At first it appears to be a mere want. After all, I am fairly self-sufficient financially. I can cook and clean for myself (although at times I opt to do neither). And most of the time, I prefer my peace and quiet. Most people would tell you that I am strong and independent and therefore, don't NEED a man in my life. In these instances it is a true statement. On this level, my current desire to have a man in my life is merely a want. This want blurs into a need on nights like tonight. Those of you who keep up with this blog will know what I'm talking about when I say that my life has been rather complicated and chaotic lately. Tonight, I needed a shoulder to cry on... I needed someone to be home to listen to my frustrations and tell me that it was going to be OK. I needed someone to be looking out for ME! Tonight, I need a strong man who will make me feel safe, when my defenses are already weakened by the stress of the week and I am afraid to be on my own. Tonight, while I am feeling sad and vulnerable, I need a normal, healthy adult relationship with someone who will keep me safe and shelter me from my occasional storms. I need someone who will take the time to listen to and hear me and my concerns. I need someone who will let me be me, and let me be irrational, knowing that in the end I will do the right thing, but that it helps to vent the awful possibilities sometimes. I need a pillar, a rock.... someone to be a steady place I can hang onto when things get a little tough to deal with. I need this in a physical sense (I know that God promises to be this for those who believe in Him, but tonight, I need a tangible.) This scares me..... Because truthfully, it's not something, that even as a grown up, I can do for myself.... I can work extra jobs, I can book time at the spa, I can escape from the day in the pages of a book or the scenes of a movie, I can talk to friends and I can vent on my Blog... BUT I can't fulfil my last need on my own. And to be waiting for it to come along is a scary place to be, no matter how comfortable to waiting arena.

Please Give My Friend Jenn Money!!!

We've all been affected by Breast Cancer - either personally or by knowing someone who has battled the disease. This year alone, three of members of our staff at school were diagnosed with Breast Cancer. My friend and co-worker Jenn is participating in a 3 day 60 mile Breast Cancer Walk in August (I admire her, not ready to do it this year... maybe I can start training for next year). In order to be able to walk, she has to raise $2200.Please help her out if you can. All donations are tax-deductable. You can donate by going to the following website... http://www.the3day.org/Boston07/JennAudette Thank you!!

Teaching....

I received some really bad news last week... I thought I should share it with you. Many of you know that my first two years teaching in the good old USA have been difficult for many reasons. First, returning from Singapore, I was badly beaten down. It's funny that Christians can be the worst people to work for and/or with. I don't want to rehash it all now, but every now and then I go back and look at the email explaining why I wasn't qualified to continue teaching there. Looking back at it, I now have the experience to know that the mistakes I made were typical of new teachers everywhere. For awhile, I thought maybe I shouldn't teach. Because of these complaints laid against me, I was afraid to go back to the classroom. For the last two years, I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the last two years, I have been afraid that my administrators and my department head have been praising me to my face, but planning secret meetings with HR to discuss my shortcomings and plan my firing. For the last two years, I have been somewhat afraid to talk to parents. Because it was a parent who initiated the Singaporean Inquisition, I am always afraid that I will make a grammatical error in a letter home and be stoned... English teachers, after all, don't make mistakes. It is difficult to perrform a job well, when you're constantly concerned that you're really a fraud and the powers that be will discover it at any moment. Second, when I was hired to my current position, I wasn't quite sure what it would mean. I was hired to a new program my school was implementing. Apparently, my English background made me relatively qualified, but I wouldn't be teaching literature. Once I walked into my classroom, I learned that no one really knew what the job would entail. The program was 2 years old, and no one was really saying what it should look like. I spent last year listening carefully, and I think I finally figured out how to handle the program and how to set it up. This year, the folks who come in to observer were thrilled with what they saw. My kids are making tremendous strides, and my coteacher and I are incredibly happy working together. This last statement was not true last year. Which leads me right to point three. The teacher I was working with last year, was a little older and did not adjust well to the program change. She spent the last 2 years bucking the system, whining about how it didn't work and she couldn't do what she was expected to do. Each time I presented a new idea, she found 5,000 reasons why it wouldn't work, before we ever tried. This year she's been out on medical leave and my other co-teacher and I have been meeting with great success. This leads in to my news! I was hired as a part time teacher. This means: I work 32 hours a week... A full time teacher works 35. It seems like it should be fairly silly right. Well, let me tell you what 3 hours a week means. Those 3 hours are worth another $15,000 a year, 15 sick days instead of 5 and 3 personal days. It's insane! Long story short, my former coteacher has decided to retire, opening up a full time position for me. Everyone expected that I would get the job. I received word on Tuesday, that this would not be the case. A 58 year old English teacher, not aware of what the job entails, has decided he/she would like to spend his last couple of years in the school system at my school. Seeing the non-descript English position posted, this person decided to transfer to MY JOB!!!! I still have the part time position, but....... In the past week, I've dealt with the blow, and am learning to adjust... Thanks to those who've had patient conversations with me, and who allowed me to vent! It also helps that there was quite a bit of alcohol involved! My main hope is that I'll be able to continue teaching and leading next year without resenting this new teacher who basically robbed me of the job I earned and deserved!