A Week in the Life of THE Cynical Fat Girl

So, it's been over a week since my last post. Sadly, I've been trying to write and I can't seem to get words to work right on paper... or computer screen as the case may be. It appears that I have lost the "Embracing THE Cynical Fat Girl" thread. I'm sure I'll pick it up again soon, but in the mean time, there's quite a bit going on these days. School - CAPT is over. YAY!!! We just closed 2nd marking period (we run on trimesters) and grades were due Tuesday... Fortunately, the due date was extended to Wednesday and I was able to get everything done!!! Monday night, two weeks ago, my sister, Sarah, started getting some strange prank calls around midnight. The calls continued until 2am. She called a friend who came to her rescue. As soon as the friend got there the calls stopped... Which freaked her out a bit. I stayed at her house Tuesday night for company and to tell the jerk off if he called again. Thanks to our local State Police, patrols have been stepped up in the neighborhood and random weirdness has been kept to a minimum. The problem with Tuesday night was this.... My oldest and dearest friend called just as I came through my apartment door with three loads of laundry ready to finally do some cleaning in my much neglected house. She had been admitted to the hospital having difficulty breathing. As it turns out, they think she aspirated some medication when she choked on it... What kind of adult woman can't get a teeny tiny little pill down the right way? So I rushed out of my house and up to Putnam to be by her side and to make her laugh - at herself of course. Unfortunately, I didn't grab my overnight bag and was supposed to be at Sarah's once I was kicked out of the hospital with the end of visiting hours. I decided my best option would be to go straight to Sarah's, wake up early and run home to take a shower and get dressed before work. An easy solution right??? Wrong!! As I was driving home, heading south on I395 going probably 75-80 mph, my rear driver's side tire experienced a blow out! With some finesse I was able to ease the car off the highway and didn't injure anyone in the process. I got out of the car, looked at the tire and began making a myriad of phone calls. Call 1 - Insurance company - I have emergency road side assistance. Unfortunately, they couldn't quite figure out where I was... Call 2 - School - I had to let my administrator know that I would be a little late.... actually that I'd be at school but I had no idea when.... Call 3 - my co-teacher. I figured she'd be worried when she heard about the situation. She wasn't in yet, I left a message. Call 4 - My parents - I needed help - unfortunately no one answered the phone Call 5 - My mechanic to see how early I could get the tire fixed - he wasn't there yet and doesn't have an answering service At this point a State Trooper arrived. I was only somewhat relieved. His first question - "Are you injured?" I said no. Second question - "Did you hit this sign?" (it was one of those "Emergency and authorized vehicles only" signs that had obviously been knocked over by a snow plow during the snow storm that weekend.) I said no. He asked again "Are you sure you didn't hit the sign?" I said I was sure... But what did I know, he walked around to the front of my car and checked for damage to be sure that I in fact had not hit the sign. I was a little offended. I pointed snottily at my rear tire. He looked at me and said - "I see it." He said he would call a tow truck, I said I'd already called my insurance company. He said it would take too long, in frustration I gave in. At this point he said I could get back in the car to make any calls I needed to make. Call 6 - Sarah. I figured she'd want to know what exactly I was going through for her. Call 7 - incoming My coteacher - who was more disappointed that the state trooper wasn't single... but at least she was empathetic and only looking out for my dating life. Call 8 - incoming My Dad - who yelled at me for not having a spare tire. Call 9 - My mom- I called because my dad had yelled at me and I couldn't afford the tow and the cost of fixing the tire.... She said she'd help At this point, stress and minimal sleep caught up with me and I started to cry. The State Trooper came back to tell me a tow truck was on the way. Completely taken aback by my tears, he jumped, held both his hands out almost in surrender and said "Ma'am it's ok, there's no need to cry!" Embarrassed I brushed my hands across my cheeks and said... "Oh, it's just stress!" Call 10 - incoming My insurance company - they finally figured out where I was and were able to call some obscure towing company that I have NEVER heard of... I told them the State Police were able to get a tow faster and that I would pay the bill then submit it for reimbursement. Once the tow truck arrived, I got out of the car and the Trooper came over to talk to me while they loaded my car onto the truck. He asked where I worked, I told him, he looked at me quizzically and said "You missed your exit." (mind you, I was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans I had slept in, my hair was a frizzy white girl fro in a pony tail on my head.) So I felt I ought to explain to him what had happened... "I slept at my sister's in Thompson last night, she was getting weird phone calls." Well, that was all it took, he had heard about it from the academy and suggested it would be a good idea to make a report.... And then of course he was all friendly and helpful... No more suggestion that I had hit the sign... oh and about that... I drive past this sign everyday and was looking at it the other day.... There is no way I could have hit the sign at that angle without doing serious damage to my car, and then get the car into the position it was in.... I'm still a little offended. I ended up getting to work an hour and 15 minutes late. But at least everything worked out in the end.

Embracing THE Cynical Fat Girl (part1)

I ran into a friend at Wal-Mart last week who mentioned reading my Blog. I am always glad when people mention that they read my Blog. If they think enough to mention it, then it must in some way amuse them, right? Anyhow, my friend said he'd read some of my stuff and just had to say, "Boy, are you bitter." I stopped dead in my tracks! BITTER!!!!! Thanks, Rob. In all actuality, I may seem bitter. I prefer to think that I take a logical and realistic view on my position as THE Cynical Fat Girl. In the end, you'll have to judge for yourself, but, I hope this post gives you some insight into what it actually means to be THE Cynical Fat Girl. Research shows that things said to a child will shape self esteem and development. For example, saying to a little girl, "You're too pretty to cry" can actually be damaging in that the little girl will take on an unhealthy view of the demonstration of emotion. After all, pretty girls don't cry and if I cry, I must not be a pretty girl. Similarly, THE Cynical Fat Girl has received and taken to heart damaging statements. It's not that the statements were made with the intent to be hurtful or derogatory, but THE Cynical Fat Girl latches on to them and allows herself to be defined by them. Statements like "You're such a pretty girl, you'd look so much better if you could lose five pounds." or "You really do have such a pretty face." or "Your hair is your one beauty." THE Cynical Fat Girl tends to be a cautious observer. In junior high and high school, she takes note of the fact that she is taller and/or heavier than not only all of the girls in her class but also most of the boys. She will watch and see that the boys notice and ask out the skinny girls but never seem to show an interest in her. When she does develop that crush on a boy and her friends talk her into taking action, she is usually met with the "Are you kidding me? You're three times my size." Stare. She'll go on to be interested in boys who even her closest friends describe as "Out of your league," allowing those boys to copy her geometry homework in hopes that maybe, just this once, he'll be attracted to her brain. The syndrome of THE Cynical Fat Girl starts at home and continues into school. It is effective as early as elementary school. But, as the girl grows up she will continue to be bombarded with images of thin beautiful people and comes to believe that those images are all that can be considered beautiful. Anyone in the media who is not petite and good looking is usually set up to be the butt of some joke. How many times was Oprah made fun of for her yo-yo dieting during the 80s and 90s. I won't go too much further down this road. After all, you can read my first Cynical Fat Girl post if you scroll down. As a result, THE Cynical Fat Girl obsesses about her weight. Those who don't turn to the comfort of an eating disorder spend most of their lives on a diet or involved in a long term relationship with Ben & Jerry. She spends her time reading sappy love stories and watching romantic comedies. She's cynical but she still seems to have a hope that real love exists and that one day her knight in shining armor will show up, glistening on horseback to save her day. Unfortunately, eventually she notices that even in movies like "The Holiday," where the awkward, "homely" girl doesn't get the guy she wants, the girl is still flipping Kate Winslet! That just about does the explanation of how THE Cynical Fat Girl comes into existence and who she is. But, What does it mean to BE THE Cynical Fat Girl? Being THE Cynical Fat Girl means that you have endured years of watching skinny people obsess over their weight, knowing that you'd probably kill to have their body. Not only that, but you rejoiced when the new season of America's Next Top Model came out and 2 plus sized models made the show... Then you realized that on ANTM plus-sized means a size 10 and that neither girl will win the show because she won't be able to cut it on the runway. Being THE Cynical Fat Girl means that quality men will NEVER find you attractive. They will describe you as funny, intelligent, very well spoken and REALLY nice. But, those descriptors mean squat unless you're a size 2 blonde with double-d breasts. Every now and then one will pay you a little more attention, he may even decide that you can be considered a good friend. Just about the time he has you wondering if there could be more to the friendship (you've obviously forgotten the rules) he'll up and marry the girl of his dreams. And you, THE Cynical Fat Girl, will be left heart broken - to be called bitter by future male acquaintances. The savvy reader will have noticed that my above statement is qualified with the words "Quality Men". THE Cynical Fat Girl is not, as once thought, completely ostracized by the opposite sex. Although it was once thought that she was destined to lead a solitary life of singleness, finding comfort only in her 93 cats, a new list of possible admirers has recently been discovered. That list however fails to provide much room to boast. As a quick disclaimer, one must recognize that the men on this list don't flock solely to THE Cynical Fat Girl. They are, in fact, indiscriminate and will hit on any woman with a pulse. However, with the non-Cynical-Fat-Girls monopolizing the quality men, these are the only men left to approach THE Cynical Fat Girl. The Greasy Sleazeball- this inexplicably bold species will usually approach in a crowded location - a bar, perhaps, where THE Cynical Fat Girl is hanging out with her thinner, cuter friends. He approaches with the attitude that she is lucky he's spotted her wide ass all alone at the bar (the thinner, cuter friends are dancing.... THE Cynical Fat Girl does not draw unnecessary attention to herself by dancing) and has come to save her from her certain humiliation. He refuses to take no for an answer and THE Cynical Fat Girl is forced to excuse herself to the restroom for half an hour to escape the "I know what you'd look like naked, and I really don't mind" stare. The Drunken Fool - A rare breed, this male does not rear his head often, but in the world of THE Cynical Fat Girl is most definitely noteworthy. This guy is the all night party animal who hasn't allowed his social life to extend much past high school though he hasn't been in high school for quite some time. Life to the drunken fool is one constant kegger at the frat house. Typically, he can be found hitting on THE Cynical Fat Girl at the all night restaurant where she works. He stumbles in just after 2am last call to sober up with the boys before heading home to the lonely twin bed in his parents' basement. Somewhere between completely plastered and a false sense of coffee-induced sobriety he decides he is a selfless and charitable human being. Really, he needs to get laid and THE Cynical Fat Girl is as good an option as any. Operating under the theory that enough alcohol can make anyone attractive, the drunken fool tries to obtain her attention and affection with a quick grope of whatever body part is most handy. THE Cynical Fat Girl, however, is rarely impressed by groping (this concept went out in the 7th grade). She will normally ignore the drunken fool, though sometimes a good slap in the face is in order. Mr. "I NEED A GREEN CARD" - this American Patriot will come up with fantastically original pick-up lines like: "This is the first time I've spoken with a white person" (I actually heard this one from a drunk South African man who tried to follow me home) or "You know, you are very beautiful." (this one came from the man working behind the McDonald's counter at the Cincinnati airport). But most often he prefers to approach from a distance via the Internet, "I am looking to have a loving marriage relationship with you" (myspace.com.... twice). On the positive side, he usually takes "NO" for an answer, although on occasion THE Cynical Fat Girl must claim a fake boyfriend or threaten police action (INS anyone?). The Married Man - this one's a little stickier. It's not so much the the married man hits on THE Cynical Fat Girl, and THE Cynical Fat Girl is NOT a home wrecker. Typically, she has no desire to date a man with that much baggage. In some instances, when the married man is dissatisfied at home, he will approach THE Cynical Fat Girl, more as a friend than anything else, because she is an excellent listener. He will put on his saddest puppy dog face and regale her with tales of an unhappy marriage hoping that she will take pity on him and help him spice up his drab life. He approaches her because she is not as risky as others. After all, she is THE Cynical Fat Girl and THE Cynical Fat Girl is not allowed to hope for any kind of relationship or commitment. On occasion, she will listen to the whining of the married man, but in the end she will offer advice and send him home to his wife. The Not-So-Married Married Man - I haven't had much experience with this one. He's only recently been added to the list. He is, however, the most dangerous man THE Cynical Fat Girl can encounter. This is the guy who is married, but not sure he wants to stay that way. When directly asked if he is single, he is evasive stating that he is not exactly single. He will flirt with THE Cynical Fat Girl, but never truly avail himself to her. When others attempt to intervene, he will conveniently side-step their questions. The danger here is that THE Cynical Fat Girl may actually become confused by his actions and begin to think that he may be interested in her (of course, she does not realize that he is not really available). She will waste time considering a relationship and all that goes with it, only to learn after she's invested some part of herself that he is married. Whether this is a bold faced lie, or a casual omitting of facts, THE Cynical Fat Girl will be left hurt by the experience. She will question relationships and love in general, only to come up empty-handed and slightly more cynical than she was before. In the end, being approached by any one of these men has the same result. THE Cynical Fat Girl becomes convinced that a.) Quality Men do not date THE Cynical Fat Girl and b.) Those who appear willing are not worth the time. I definitely have more to say on this subject, unfortunately this post has gotten quite long. I was on page 4 of a WORD document when I hit copy and paste. SO, Loyal Readers, stay tuned for future installments. I think I'll start working on "The Rules of THE Cynical Fat Girl"................ hmmmmmmm there's a thought.

Coming Soon to A Blog Near You!!!

The Cynical Fat Girl is about to strike again! This time in an effort to help you understand her more! My next post will be about "Embracing the Cynical Fat Girl" a detailed look at what exactly it means to be THE Cynical Fat Girl. Watch Out America, I'm on a role... This just might be my first BOOK!!!!

I AM NOT THE WEIRD CAT LADY.... YET!!!!

Right around Thanksgiving one of my co-workers was adopted by a stray cat. Unfortunately, while she (the cat) was friendly enough with people, she did not get along very well with my co-workers other cats. He decided that with winter coming she would need a home and put the word out at school. Before you jump to any conclusions, NO, I did not take her in. However one of our guidance counselors has a sister in Vermont who offered to give Miss Kitty a home. The only way for my co-worker to pass the cat along to the guidance counselor was to bring the cat to school one day. Which he did. The cat spent the day in his classroom (which happens to be where I teach my English Classes). My kids were absolutely enamored with the kitty. In fact, I have one student who I constantly butt heads with. He is constantly making inappropriate statements, usually about women! I call and email his parents so much we're practically on a first name basis. Well, the cat, being female, was immediately drawn to the boy... go figure. She sat on his lap and he pet her for almost the entire period! I was actually disappointed that she couldn't be our class pet! There was that much of a change in his behavior that day. Alas.. The cat could not stay! She went to our guidance counselor's sister's house and that was the last I'd heard about her, until Friday. The guidance counselor had received some pictures from her sister and gave them to my co-worker. He left them on the blackboard in his room. During my 10th grade English class, one of my brighter kids walked past the board and made this comment: "Oh, this is encouraging. She's single and she takes pictures of cats!" I find myself clicking my heels, muttering the words "I am NOT the weird cat lady!" "I am not the weird cat lady!" "I AM NOT THE WEIRD CAT LADY!!!" At least not yet anyway.....

The Cynical Fat Girl Strikes Again!!

As a kid I loved fairy tales! I cheered each time Disney put out a new movie. Every time my mother would go to the video store to rent a movie, I'd ask for "Snow White". Something about the knight in shining armor coming to the rescue appealed to me. When I was in trouble, or upset, or things weren't going the way I wanted them to, I would dream about my own prince coming to rescue me from the prison of my bedroom as I sat grounded! As I got older, I held onto the idea. Not so much that the knight in shining armor would come and rescue me from my troubles. But what girl hasn't hoped to be rescued from the monotony of single life by the man of her dreams. It's a silly idea, but earlier this year, I thought I had a good lead on my ironclad hero. In the midst of the battle raging in my family life, he waltzed right in and took care of my bad guy in one grand swoop. At least that was how it felt! Unfortunately, life isn't a fairy tale! And in real life, men don't date the cynical fat girl! At the moment, I find that I am frustrated with myself. After being alive for almost 28 years, you'd think I would have been aware of these facts. Too bad some of us never do learn.