Random Update

Hey Guys, I know I've been a bit of a Debbie-Downer lately... I appologize. The 6 month mark with Jeremy was a tough one. I'm on vacation this week, but have been keeping myself pretty busy. Wanted to drop a quick line to those of you who read faithfully, but, it will be quick... School - was going really well, is better now that I've had vacation. Not looking forward to Monday, yet. But by Sunday night, hopefully I'll be a little more excited. Family - things have quieted down A LOT in the last couple of weeks. Oddly enough, I had to have Jessica arrested one night while she was freaking out and actually lunged at me in the car. Since then, she's been to court and has since been on her best behavior with my parents... Go Figure. Also on the family front, I am going to be an auntie again in July (I think I may have mentioned this before) but Sarah and Daryl found out they're having a girl. I'm very excited. Home - is finally clean. All it took was a week off to have the time to do it. A friend of mine is coming over on Saturday and we're going to have a girls movie night, so it's a relief that I'm not working on getting things cleaned at the last minute. I think that wraps things up for now..... I'll post again in a few days. In the mean time, Happy February....

Therapy via the Internet

I am dying to see a musical on Broadway called "Avenue Q". Having listened to the soundrack, I have to say it sounds like a highly inappropriate adult Sesame Street kind of show.... Any how, there's a song on the soundtrack that is called "The Internet is for Porn!" Which details the idea that men only use the internet to look at porn.... So despite the fact that I am not male, I am attempting to use the internet for something far more acceptable! Therapy! I know some of you have been disappointed that I haven't been writing lately. I really don't have anything witty to say. I feel as though that part of me has been significantly disabled by grief. I am, of course, able to come out with the occasional witty comment... And sarcasm is still my spiritual gift, but to actually sit down and write something that doesn't center on this all consuming pain I am still feeling seems an impossible task. In the last six months, I have come to realize that it is possible to miss someone more with each passing day. But, that it is nearly impossible to put a cap on that longing to see, hear, hug a person when you know that they are not going to breeze through your door again. I have learned that it is impossible not to try to find somewhere to lay the blame. Oddly enough, as the oldest of 8 children, I am still trying to find a way that it's all my fault.... Because at least then, there would be some concrete place to hang up my pain. I've learned that it's possible to despise someone for destroying a person you loved, but to move on from that pain enough to want them not to have to live with their own pain for the rest of their life. Then to learn that in managing their pain, they've slandered the memory of one of the kindest souls you've ever known. And beyond all this, there is that bit of resentment, that perhaps the wrong life was lost. That someone else, someone who has made perpetual bad decisions, who has caused unmeasurable pain to their family continues to do so, while the one who deserved better is no longer here. I never would have guessed that grief could tear the life out of a person and change them the way it does. I wish I had never had to learn. Beyond that, I wish that I could go through this process without further intentional complications. But wishing rarely leads to what you want... I'll try to write more about this tomorrow or the next day... For now, tonight, I feel exceptionally drained. I think it's time to try to sleep....

6th Months Without Jeremy

February 16th will mark the 6th month anniversary since Jeremy's passing. I cannot believe it's been six months already. How is it possible that he could have been gone for 6 months and life is still going on as if nothing has changed? I don't think I'll ever understand that. I still have so many moments when I just want to fall apart. Today all it took was a song on the radio. I was in tears driving home. Going into his room at home seems surreal. My dad has moved his office in there. Jeremy's things are all stored in the closet. There are new windows and several holes in the wall have been patched. It seems as though the signs of his existence are fading away. I know that even though his memory remains, those physical things that he left behind are slowly disappearing. I wish I could change that. I wish I could stop things from changing. I wish that I could keep those who were closest to him from betraying his memory. It seems so unfair to Jeremy, that life will become normal again for those knew him. And it's frightening to me, that life is not ever going to get back to the way it's supposed to be.