Grief's a Bitch....

and it sneaks up and hits you at the most inconvenient time. Like 8:23 on a Monday evening, when you're sitting at your computer, minding your own business and shopping online for shoes. I'm not sure why it's hitting right now, or why it's hitting so hard. But here I sit trying to respond to a couple of emails and, instead, bawling my eyes out. And now, in an attempt to sort this all through, I'm posing the problem to you, my loyal friends and readers. Why is it that grief can sneak up behind you, tackle you, and totally kick your ass in matter of seconds, then be on it's merry way until it decides you need another reminder that your life is never going to be the same? Why is it that it's so different for everyone? How is it that 8 months later, I still feel as though my insides have been ripped out, shred to bits and put on display for the world, but others have moved on completely? What do I have to do to live with the pain? It's not that I want to forget Jeremy, I just want to forget that he's never coming back. I don't want to think about the fact that he's not going to knock on my door to show me a cool truck he got to borrow from work. I don't want to remember that it's about time for him to come put my air conditioner in the window and complain the entire time about the better things he has to do. I want to stop expecting to see him when I pull into my parents' driveway and see his truck in the yard. I don't want to catch myself before I call David by Jeremy's name when he answers the phone. But, nothing seems to help me forget these things. Instead, I am forgetting the sound of his voice, and the light in his eyes when he smiled. Instead, I find myself trying to figure out how to manage a pain that medicine hasn't found a cure for. Instead, I am trying to figure out how to live in spite of grief. Instead, I find myself missing my brother and no reasonable solution to the knowledge of loss.

Rulebook.... Meet Window

I am so tired of playing by the rules. I have spent most of my life following rules and expectations of others. I'm am just about to quote Heidi Klum and say, "Rulebook, you're out." It seems so incredibly wrong that one can make all of the "right" choices and still end up being nowhere. I am tired of bending over backwards only to be the one overlooked. I am tired of being told that I am wrong be people with no moral compass. Bottom line, I'm sick of it. And, I think I'm done. I'm done with rules, I'm done with expectations, I'm done with trying to make everyone happy. Because in the end, the only thing it's done is make me unhappy and put me in a position where I'm going to have to start from scratch again.

Random Update

Hey Guys, I know I've been a bit of a Debbie-Downer lately... I appologize. The 6 month mark with Jeremy was a tough one. I'm on vacation this week, but have been keeping myself pretty busy. Wanted to drop a quick line to those of you who read faithfully, but, it will be quick... School - was going really well, is better now that I've had vacation. Not looking forward to Monday, yet. But by Sunday night, hopefully I'll be a little more excited. Family - things have quieted down A LOT in the last couple of weeks. Oddly enough, I had to have Jessica arrested one night while she was freaking out and actually lunged at me in the car. Since then, she's been to court and has since been on her best behavior with my parents... Go Figure. Also on the family front, I am going to be an auntie again in July (I think I may have mentioned this before) but Sarah and Daryl found out they're having a girl. I'm very excited. Home - is finally clean. All it took was a week off to have the time to do it. A friend of mine is coming over on Saturday and we're going to have a girls movie night, so it's a relief that I'm not working on getting things cleaned at the last minute. I think that wraps things up for now..... I'll post again in a few days. In the mean time, Happy February....

Therapy via the Internet

I am dying to see a musical on Broadway called "Avenue Q". Having listened to the soundrack, I have to say it sounds like a highly inappropriate adult Sesame Street kind of show.... Any how, there's a song on the soundtrack that is called "The Internet is for Porn!" Which details the idea that men only use the internet to look at porn.... So despite the fact that I am not male, I am attempting to use the internet for something far more acceptable! Therapy! I know some of you have been disappointed that I haven't been writing lately. I really don't have anything witty to say. I feel as though that part of me has been significantly disabled by grief. I am, of course, able to come out with the occasional witty comment... And sarcasm is still my spiritual gift, but to actually sit down and write something that doesn't center on this all consuming pain I am still feeling seems an impossible task. In the last six months, I have come to realize that it is possible to miss someone more with each passing day. But, that it is nearly impossible to put a cap on that longing to see, hear, hug a person when you know that they are not going to breeze through your door again. I have learned that it is impossible not to try to find somewhere to lay the blame. Oddly enough, as the oldest of 8 children, I am still trying to find a way that it's all my fault.... Because at least then, there would be some concrete place to hang up my pain. I've learned that it's possible to despise someone for destroying a person you loved, but to move on from that pain enough to want them not to have to live with their own pain for the rest of their life. Then to learn that in managing their pain, they've slandered the memory of one of the kindest souls you've ever known. And beyond all this, there is that bit of resentment, that perhaps the wrong life was lost. That someone else, someone who has made perpetual bad decisions, who has caused unmeasurable pain to their family continues to do so, while the one who deserved better is no longer here. I never would have guessed that grief could tear the life out of a person and change them the way it does. I wish I had never had to learn. Beyond that, I wish that I could go through this process without further intentional complications. But wishing rarely leads to what you want... I'll try to write more about this tomorrow or the next day... For now, tonight, I feel exceptionally drained. I think it's time to try to sleep....

6th Months Without Jeremy

February 16th will mark the 6th month anniversary since Jeremy's passing. I cannot believe it's been six months already. How is it possible that he could have been gone for 6 months and life is still going on as if nothing has changed? I don't think I'll ever understand that. I still have so many moments when I just want to fall apart. Today all it took was a song on the radio. I was in tears driving home. Going into his room at home seems surreal. My dad has moved his office in there. Jeremy's things are all stored in the closet. There are new windows and several holes in the wall have been patched. It seems as though the signs of his existence are fading away. I know that even though his memory remains, those physical things that he left behind are slowly disappearing. I wish I could change that. I wish I could stop things from changing. I wish that I could keep those who were closest to him from betraying his memory. It seems so unfair to Jeremy, that life will become normal again for those knew him. And it's frightening to me, that life is not ever going to get back to the way it's supposed to be.

CSI comes to the Classroom

As a new teacher, brilliant ideas don't always happen overnight! The unit my tenth graders are currently working on has been more than a year in the making! I mentioned in my last entry, that I had arranged for the major crime squad from the CT State Police to come in for a presentation to my class. I could not be more thrilled with the way it turned out. Below are some pictures of highlights from the day! I can't wait to organize this one again next year!

The class started with a presentation on crime scene investigation, policies and procedures.

Students examined gunshot residue patterns and collection techniques.

This is the detective who completed the background check on my brother-in-law before Daryl went to Police Academy. He worked so well with the kids, it's hard to imagine him as the intimidating guy who tried his darnedest to get some dirt on Daryl.

Oh, by the way... He talked to the kids about using forensic light sources to find evidence not readily visible. The kids saw what saliva, blood, and other bodily fluids looked like under the lights. They also looked for fingerprints and hair/fiber samples.

Next, my kids got to work with the computer to create composite sketches. They didn't find this nearly as fascinating as I did... Perhaps if they were creating a composite sketch of me? I don't know, maybe it would have been more entertaining... Although, I worry a little about what I would have looked like in the end.

The Sergeant in charge also arranged to bring along the Mobile Crime Unit. During an investigation, troopers on the unit are self-sufficient. There is enough power, food and other supplies to last for a week at a time.

BUT!!!! My favorite part of the presentation follows. After my kids learned about the process of investigation, they had a chance to put it into practice.

Meet Annie Smith. She was found by her husband bleeding from the head with a revolver on the floor. He called police. First responders pronounced her dead, and called in the Major Crime Squad!

Detectives checked the body for signs of injury, a potential cause of death, and anything out of the ordinary. Their investigation uncovers a large wound on the back of the head. However, there is no gunshot residue and no sign that a bullet entered. Instead, it appears to have been a blunt force trauma to the head. During a canvass of the neighborhood, officers learned that multiple witnesses heard what sounded like two shots fired from a gun.

Bullet holes are discovered in the ceiling. It appears that this is not a suicide after all. Students determine that the shots must have been fired while the victim attempted to protect herself. But where and what is the murder weapon?

Ah, silly criminal.... The garbage does not go out before the police arrive to investigate a crime. The bloody pipe found in the garbage can is most likely the murder weapon. Students seize that as well as the sink trap from the bathroom (where students found bloody footprints) and determine that the victims husband should remain a person of interest in the case!

Now that is what they call interactive learning! And if this doesn't make literature come alive for my kids, I think I'm out of ideas.

Blog Humbug

So, it would appear that I've gotten pretty bad at this blogging thing. Once the newness and the excitement wore off, I'm finding I don't have as much to say as most would have thought. I'm hoping that it simply indicates that I'm in a funk and have been for some time.

General Updates:

School - BUSY! We just wrapped up our first marking period (we run on trimesters). My Lab classes are unusual this year. I feel as though I've got a little too much on my plate between the lab and my regular English classes. At the same time, I find that I want to put the time and energy into my regular English classes and ease out of my leadership role in the lab. Trying to do that however, will cause additional stress. I've started discussing some of the options with my department head. So far, he's been very kind, receptive and understanding. He's also been very impressed with some of the ideas I'm bringing to the English department, so who knows... maybe things will work out. As far as English goes, I'm gearing up for one of my favorite short stories this year and taking a new spin with my unit. If you're not familiar with Roald Dahl's "Lamb to the Slaughter" PLEASE acquaint yourself with this fabulous short story. (http://www.classicshorts.com/stories/lamb.html) To get my kids involved, I have the Major Crime Squad from the Connecticut State Police coming in to do a presentation. I'm actually really looking forward to the outcomes. Hopefully, if all goes well, it will give me something to write about!

Hospital - still working. Picking up as much time as I can these days. I'll actually be working all next week from 4-8. It makes for a long day, but I'm hoping to meet some big financial goals in the coming year, and the extra cash can't hurt.

Home - as usual, in need of attention. I'm looking forward to having vacation so I can spend some time cleaning, sorting, throwing away etc. I've actually been thinking about moving so I'd force myself to do this. Hopefully, it won't come to such extreme measures.

Family - My brother Bob and his wife Rashel had a little girl at the end of October, making me an "Auntie" for the first time. I'm so excited for them. My mom, Sarah and I went to see them in November. It didn't take long for us to be wrapped around those tiny little fingers. She's beautiful and a perfect little bundle of joy. I'm looking forward to having a niece to spoil. Thanksgiving brought more good news on the family front. Sarah and Daryl are expecting a baby as well. She's due the first week of July and I cannot wait! Happy as I am about the arrival of Rowan (Bob and Rashel's daughter) their distance will make my quest at becoming "THE WORLD'S GREATEST AUNTIE" somewhat challenging. Since Sarah and Daryl are much closer it makes my aspirations that much more achievable. As much joy as this brings, I find that it is often clouded with sadness as I think of Jeremy. He never got the chance to compete for the title of "World's Greatest Uncle." He would have been a fantastic uncle at that. It saddens me to know that he now would be an uncle twice and never got a chance to meet his niece and/or niece/nephew. It still seems odd that our family is going on. That we're having these experiences that he's not physically a part of. It seems more than bearable to think of all the events that will happen, the weddings, the births, the milestones that he will miss. On some level it seems like a betrayal to enjoy these experiences without him.

Christmas is coming. I'm still not in the mood for it to arrive. I've been working myself up to get into the holiday spirit. It's just not happening. No matter how much I listen to Christmas music or watch the holiday movies... It doesn't matter that my Christmas tree is up and decorated, my Christmas shopping half done.... This year, it doesn't seem right. I don't think it can. I wonder if it ever will.